Wont Stop to Surrender

The moments when I can find my own personal silence.
Being crammed onto a subway and watching other people hang their heads down to the floor, how they move from side to side with every jerking motion the encapsulating car produces.
Watching people interact. Reading their lips and body language as they fight, fawn, or gossip.
People drip with thick emotion in this city.

Yesterday a young guy went through a dance routine while we stood on the platforms edge.
He was completely in his own world - practicing his passion with every single step he took.
The R arrived and instead of stopping, he continued and without pause reacted as if it had come to play a part on the stage he was performing from. I wanted so much to be him. To be that outwardly devoted to something. He made it seem effortless. I will never stop being inspired by the drive that some individuals carry within them. I envy it, I strive for it.

I have done so many things in the last 8 months.
New York is a city of never ending possibilities.
And while an abundance is profoundly apparent - attaining the ventures you seek are another story.
Want to see beautiful parks, eat amazing food, feel alive in a sea of bobbing heads? Easy.
Want to have a job that means something to your creative spirit, to live off more than a few scraps of food, or find sanctuary in a space that's bigger than a closet? Keep trying.

There is so much for me to learn about detachment and sacrifice here.
I can never be bitter for what I've chosen.
If anything, this place has made my direction more clear. Teaching me that to live a full life, one of happiness and fulfillment - money just doesn't always fit into that situation. And that THAT is OK! We are a culture of grotesque extremes, and materialism. It is refreshing to know that I can be content with the simple things. With less things/space.

This may not be the easiest journey - or the most glamorous.
But it's mine.

Actor (and friend) Joe Mullen

Actress (and friend) Alli Caudle

Jenna for ShopGrl

Jessica for ShopGrl

Brooks and I recently, taken by India :)

My heart and joy 

Sanctuary

I was fortunate enough to go to Hawaii at the beginning of this month.

10 days of tree houses, strenuous hikes with life altering views, the comfort and familiarity of my brother and his beautiful family, the sound of the jungle lulling us to sleep, tea that tasted like the shrines in Haifa, fresh mango that melted over every tastebud, the warmest sunshine that turned me golden, getting caught in at least one rainstorm a day, mosquito bites and salty unkempt hair.

Before leaving I had decided that beyond my cellphone, I didn't want to digitally capture my time there. I wanted to think about everything I photographed, without the opportunity to immediately look and delete. So I committed. I rummaged through the back of my closet, and dusted off a few of my trusty film cameras.

Here were a handful of my favorites, plus some unexpected surprises.

 

This is from Burning man Aug 2011, I had forgotten all about them.

Burning Man 2011

Us.

Like A Warm Embrace

New York, New York. You have stolen my heart.
I feel this perpetual love affair with you blooming in the deepest corners of every thought.
Just another ten day visit --> turned into another ten days.
You brought me back to who I was. Like a warm embrace from an old friend.
Leaving you, all of the tall looming shadows you cast - all of your fresh budding flowers - all of your unexpected adventures you so selflessly thrust forth - has been like getting a child to pry each finger off a delicious candy bar so they don't spoil their dinner.
I can't help but want more of you.
Drink you down until theres nothing left to take.
The drive, the rush, feeling alive, always something to do, point A to point B, the quiet moments in unexpected places, knowing an opportunity of a lifetime may be right around the corner.
I'm coming back for you.
I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't.
I have to know exactly what you and I can be together.
So.
I'll see you in July.

:::

A few of my favorite images from the visit.

I dream of Paradise...

It's been one week since we got home from our three week trip to The Holy Land.

And somehow, I am still managing to be jet-lagged. 

Lack of sleep aside, it was wonderful to go back to the place I think of as home. 

Being able to show the husband what that part of my life looked like - the nine-teen year old Brianna's life - was something I had always hoped I would be able to do. Mission accomplished! 

Highlights included: coffee in a french press every morning, walking up and down the public stairs, our 9 day Bahai pilgrimage, driving to the dead sea, the amount of laughter my sister and I caused each other, the 5 cups of tea a day, the quiet moments in the Shrines, the smell of rose, visiting each of my favorite restaurants, the bumpy and terrifying sherut rides (a sherut is like a taxi and bus combined), the thunder and lightning storms...

Now, onto the holidays - and right into a new year. 

I still haven't been able to get through all my photos, but here are a few of my favorites!

Haifa - The Bahai Gardens - Shrine of the Bab

Brooks - Prison Cell in Akka

Bahai Holy Place - House of Abbud

Bahai Holy Place - House of Abdullah-Pasha

Bahai Holy Place - Mansion of Mazrae

Bahai Holy Place - Mansion of Bahji

The Dead Sea

Salty self portrait @ the Dead Sea

Salt on the rocks @ the Dead Sea

5000 year old city - Akka

Doors

Walls

My Sister Malia

And Time Marches On...

I feel like I am finally awakening from my summer cocoon - my warm, self indulgent, soul growing, happy place. Shedding the moments that helped me redefine life, so I can happily move forward with an able-bodied and brave attitude. 

Maine was a beautiful and trying 9 weeks.  

Burning Man was an adventure of dusty bike riding madness. 

And while I calmly hop from one stone to the next, I don't seem to be staying grounded for too long. In just a few short weeks I will be sipping tea with family, nestled in-between the mediterranean sea and a mountain I used to call home. I am ready for the red rock pathways, the cold marble underneath my feet, and the jasmine breezes that roll over your limbs gently, while you remember what life is about. I am ready for Israel.

Until then, here are some favorite images from the adventures I have had!

Just another beautiful sunrise at Camp Laurel in Maine.

And a sunset to remember.

At the top of Mt. Katahdin

Mt. Katahdin Peace Pile

Erica and Julianne, my amazing camp friends.

The part of me I left on the Temple floor at Burning Man

One of the Temple's towers at Burning Man

The inside of the Temple - Up and Down

One of my favorite art pieces at Burning Man

At center camp - a burner baby with the statue baby

Brooks and I inhaling the dust

Nothing like a nudie bike ride in the morning!!

Another favorite art piece

And a self portrait I took while putzing around the house.